I’m back in Northborough where I spent my final two years of high school and had great battle clashes with my father, who i was living with at the time, full time, for the first time. There is a familiarity in these walls that is both comforting and mildly trauma inducing. “Whispers of trauma” would be the name of the yacht rock album produced here if i ever decide to make that sweet blue-eyed soul, slant-eyed soul in my case. But i digress.
I am feeling a mild touch of energy having a quiet moment to myself and this iPad before me. It’s currently 6:22am and everyone is asleep, and i brought my new camera out to snap some pictures and record some video. I even spoke into the camera to try and get this vlog thing started though i lacked direction. I’m sure it will come to me in the edit.
I got an email from a guy I’ve worked with regularly asking about availability next week. I have been feeling a mild de-motivation the last week or two, maybe feeling like I’ll never get my video work off the ground, will never make anything that others will want to see, that i can be proud of, all that usual bs. Anyway i had wanted to take a month off for me but now i want to write back and take the work (!) and possibly give up on my sabbatical/YouTube/self-schooling and development. I’m a bit conflicted.
I talked with my brother about an important part of life is learning how you operate, when you are motivated, when you get stressed, following the arc of progress where you get all excited in the beginning and put out strong work for the first few weeks, and then there’s a lag period as you acclimate and start to be discouraged by your slow progress, and then the power through… this ebb and flow of energy that you can recognize as part and parcel of the process so as not to be completely devastated when feelings of doubt arrive. Instead you think, ah yeah this is when i feel the doubt, that’s cool, I’m not going to be as productive today/this week but I’ll be good. Like taking a hit to the gut you can brace and you can recognize the pain and you have the knowledge that it will hurt less over time and you just have to wait it out.
Anyway this trip has been pretty great despite also being terribly stressful at times, Emma got to go swimming for the first time and she brings my parents so much joy it’s hard not to feel good from that. I am doing the best i can to be good.
